We await the mattress delivery.

We have ordered a new mattress, from a discount mattress place.

Until now, I have been perfectly happy with my old mattress. It has been my faithful nighttime companion through many years of my life. It has been by my side or, to be more accurate, underneath me – first in London, then here in Norfolk and the Cottage, then over in Narcoleptic Dave’s place, then back in the Cottage. You cannot put a price on such memories.

I am still not convinced that we need a new one. But admittedly it was quite cheap when we bought it, i.e. under £100. And – let’s face it – any mattress will suffer in an extra heavy duty wear-and-tear sense when it is me that is using it, ladies you know what I mean [n.b. not that I am fat or overweight, I mean that I am an energetic and enthusiastic lover]. [n.b. (2) although obviously I can be tender as well and do not have to go on top.]

The telephone rings.

“There has been a bit of a problem,” I tell the LTLP, when I have found her. She is upstairs, stripping the bedding off in preparation.

“What do you mean: ‘a problem?'”

“That was the discount mattress people. We cannot have the mattress that we have chosen, as it has been soiled.”

The LTLP gives me a look, as if I have walked into the room dressed as an elephant and singing ‘A Little Peace’, by German 1992 Eurovision winner, Nicole.

“Apparently, they were taking it out of storage, and there was all soiling on it,” I clarify.

There is a short lull in the conversation. The LTLP starts replacing the sheet.

19 Comments

  1. Mattress poo: that has got to be worth a further discount. Then again cramming that bugger in the washing machine is going to be a challenge.

  2. oh. ew. and how? and eugh.
    do we know that it was poo? might it have been the other kind of mattress soiling? ew.

  3. Hmmm… yerse, were you truly, committedly cheap you would have inquired as to the nature of the soiling and possibly how it happened and then negotiated the price down based on the answer. Wee: 15% discount and a coupon for a free pillow; poo: 20% discount and a set of sheets (low thread count though); other liquids: 30% discount, professional cleaning, Egyptian cotton sheets (+600 count) and a business card for a place that does couples counseling.

  4. ‘Don’t shoot the messenger’ – although the LTLP always blames you for every mishap so this is bound to be your fault too. Now you’ll have to appease her and buy a clean but expensive replacement or look on freecycle, they don’t come any cheaper than that!

  5. Is that why it was discounted?

  6. May be it was one of the ones used in the mattress-dominoes-falling-down-thingy on you tube which was in the papers? One of the employees of the discount mattress place might have found the whole experience overwhelmingly exciting…

  7. Did you…? No, I don’t think…Hmmmm, would you? To avoid buying a new mattress so you can keep ol’ faithful…? Naaaah.

  8. Mon Dieu! Squatters in the warehouse! It’s like India all over again.

  9. Difficult to imagine that it could possibly be more soiled than the one you’ve already got, Jonny, by which I mean precisely that you are both fat and overweight, not to mention stress-incontinent and a bit of a drooler. And I shall not embarrass you further by reflecting on the recent contributions of your gangrenous toes.

    Still, every cloud, etc etc. Now the LTLP can go back to the mattress people and place a revised order for, eg, two single mattresses. Or one single mattress and a rubberized ground-sheet for you, Old Faithful…

  10. Hello Dear and Respected,

    I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Imran Haider from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the web sphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.

    We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at email address “imran.oracle at Gmail dot com”, so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.

    Regards,

    Imran Haider,
    The Pakistani Spectator
    pakspectator dot com

  11. with this kind of scrimping, now we know how you may have contracted your foot ailment.

    seriously though, be very wary of discount mattresses. most reputable shops offer discounts only on discontinued models or mismatched sets (i.e. box spring fabric doesn’t match the mattress fabric)

    some time ago, a canadian programme did an expose of the fact that some discount mattress places (not reputable department stores) sold used mattresses as new but they just reupholstered and/or re-wired them.

  12. But… soiled?!?

  13. If this is the same ‘discount mattress place’ where mine came from (and surely there aren’t THAT many in God’s Own County), I shudder to think how soiled it must have been. My mattress looked as if it had been complicit in a murder and they still sent it to us.

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  18. Listen, sod the blog post (although I very much appreciated “ladies you know what I mean” – not literally obv), what I want to know is a) if you’re going to do the interview; and b) why they haven’t asked me too.

    Plus also I have just joined your Facebook fan page, as has my mum.

    Also I will get you more of those shoes you like if you send me a snapshot and your shoe size.

  19. Ah well – you see the thing is that I did one with them a year or so ago. It obviously made a big impact. “Have you a message for the people of Pakistan” etc. I felt a bit inappropriately selected.

    Thank you for your fandom (and to your mum as well) Things are a bit moribund over there, I’m afraid. It needs more club activities etc.

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