I have a nagging doubt about my foot.

I am not entirely sure that the cream is working.

I am putting it on every day, and rubbing it in really well, but I suspect that I have been ripped off by the foxy blonde pharmaceutical assistant who had seemed so interested in my condition. I complain to the LTLP about this.

“Let’s have a look at it then,” she offers.

She looks at my foot.

“Jesus,” she mutters, supportively. “It’s the size of a balloon. And blue.”

“Is that not what athlete’s foot looks like?” I ask. “The size of a balloon? And blue?”

She orders me to go to the doctors immediately. I get an appointment straight away, as everybody is scared of catching swine flu.

“Jesus,” mutters the doctor, supportively.

“It was just a bit athlete’s footy,” I explain. “Then I sort of went on a stag do pub crawl thing and walked about a lot and it got a bit sore and I hoped it would go away, but instead it sort of swelled up to the size of a balloon. And went blue.”

The doctor prods my shins. “Well it doesn’t look as if it’s spread to your legs and got in to your bloodstream.”

“Would that be bad?” I ask. I am not a medical person, but I do not want balloony blue legs as well, especially in the shorts season.

He gives me a look. “It would.”

He taps away on his computer whilst I struggle to get my shoe back on. I am sent back to the reception area to wait for my prescription – some powerful antibiotics.

A thought occurs to me as I leave the room.

“These antibiotics – are they really really powerful?”

The doctor sighs. “A small drink. You can have a small drink with them.”

26 Comments

  1. Don’t worry Jonny … you can still play bowls with a wooden leg.

    Rufus.

  2. alas poor jonny – did the Dr say what it was ?

    xx

  3. Those doctors and their alcohol restrictions! They always say that, Jonny, but it’s just for show. You go ahead and have lots of big, manly drinks, you rough beast you!

    In fact, why not just wash each pill down with a shot of tequila? I’m sure there’s a fun post or two to be had out of that combination. If only from your heirs or executors.

  4. I cannot believe that he thought I was going to ask about alcohol. I was going to ask about bowls. Despite what Rufus says, you need to be in the peak of condition for competitive sport.

  5. “The size of a balloon” is nowhere near specific enough. Some of them are long and thin with a bit of a curve and a funny little soft knobbly bit at the end. Some are round and fat, but even then the circumference varies considerably.

    And blue. Forget-me-not? Bluebell? I hope it wasn’t heliotrope. That might indicate a problem.

  6. Perhaps you could return to the foxy blonde pharmaceutical assistant and say you want to have a word with her about how swollen you are.

  7. That’s non-athelete’s foot.

    It’s going to haunt me now, it’s almost my bedtime and I should know better than to read horror stories before bedtime.

  8. How is the other foot?
    And how are the chickens?

  9. I want to know why you’ve called your foot Jesus and why everyone who looks at it addresses it on first-name terms.

  10. I made the mistake of looking up “blue swelling” on the interweb to try and help you, and the best I can say is a blue swelling foot appears to be the least unpleasant of the possibilities!

  11. So frustrating to click through and realize all your brilliant commenters have been far, far more witty than the feeble bit I’d thought up. Damn intelligentsia. Wish they’d never discovered the internet.

  12. You’ve been watching too much James and Ben in the Arctic – or where ever. Are you sure you haven’t been wearing navy blue socks?

  13. So you can have a small drink with Aunty Biotic. The question is, is she your Aunty?

    The Unexpected Traveller

  14. Hha. Nice blog. Care to read mine? 🙂 I just made it.

  15. If it really was Jock Itch, rather than athletes foot, you could ask the doctor if he has something that will take away the blue, but leave the swelling…

  16. Thank you for all your help everybody. I had no idea that there were so many people who were medically qualified who read this.

    The LTLP is being very sympathetic, as you can guess.

  17. Can’t be gangrene then.

    Boom boom.

  18. Has it dropped off yet?

  19. I believe you are suffering from a condition known as “Smurf Foot”. Fortunately, they sell orthopedic shoes for that. Just look in the novelty section of your nearest toy store.

  20. I've Given Up Being Mugged

    A blue toe?

    Does it have the appearance of a corn star?

    Where have you been sticking it JB? Send my get well wishes to the smurf.

  21. if we’re opening up a betting section on what foot ailment you have, my money’s on gout, not athlete’s foot.

    besides, you should be proud – i hear gout was considered a disease of the aristocracy.

  22. Wow – septicaemia – nearly? Did you have red streaks running away from the blue?

  23. No – it started off red. Then it went blue. It was like one of those things you see in the medical books when you are a kid and you show all your friends to freak them out.

    But it did not reach my leg, which I understand is a good thing, although I MIGHT HAVE GOT MORE SYMPATHY if so.

  24. “it started off red. Then it went blue”

    … sounds like you should rent it out to Sky as a political indicator.

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