That is two garages now. A pattern is emerging.

“I really, really wouldn’t bother spending any more money on it,” warns the Garage Man, implying that I have spent some money on it, ever.

I sigh deeply. “How much do I owe you?”

“Just give me a tenner.”

Ten pounds!!! It is eating money. But the financials are the least of my worries. If I have to get another car, then I will have to choose what car to have, and I am not interested in cars, or at least not the sort of cars that I can afford. Plus I am bound to get ripped off, as that is the sort of thing that happens to me. I drive off crossly, loud techno music playing from my steering rack.

“Scrap it in now, and you’d get a new Fiat Punto for four grand,” someone advises. I do not know what a Fiat Punto looks like, but I suspect it is not something that is going to cause me to leap out of bed in the morning, throw my curtains wide and shout to the world ‘four thousand pounds! Four thousand pounds! Why did I not spend this money sooner? Fiat Punto! Fiat Punto! How thou hast transformed my life!” Basically, things will be exactly the same as they are now, just with less money.

I drove a friend’s Daewoo the other day. I could probably afford a Daewoo, although it was a bit basic. I am not saying that it was like a museum inside, but it was the only car that I’ve been in where you have to enter the drivers seat via the gift shop. There was an unusually-shaped dent in at the rear. The hatchback hadn’t shut properly the previous week, so she had given the thin metal a nudge with her hips. I drove down the road in this Ninky-Nonk car that sported a dent shaped exactly like a female arse.

The fact is that I do not want to spend any money on a car. But I need a car, as I need to drive to places. Short Tony is getting a motorbike, which is a good idea, but I am a bit more naturally fallingoffish than he is. So I do not know what to do.

Does anybody have any ideas?