Orange lights strobe the kitchen.

They startle me, despite the bright sunshine. I gaze out of the window in surprise.

A van stops sharply, then reverses at some speed past the front of the Cottage, but not so fast that I can’t make out the words ‘Emergency Response Vehicle’ painted on the door. The roof-mounted lights flash purposefully as it pulls to a halt outside the hedge.

A man jumps out, pulls a wet brush from the van, and wipes the ’30mph’ sign that stands there. He then leaps back into the cab and speeds off into the distance.

It has been a strange week.

The LTLP has been working abroad a lot. I have been all on my own except for the Toddler, who I’ve had to take to childrens’ parties, then I’ve had to go to airports, then I had to go to a pigfarm and followed it up with dining on a BK ‘Texican’ burger, then the whole mexican pig thing broke, then I had to do some family type stuff, then the Toddler got her head stuck in the chicken coop, then a pigeon did a big shit on my clean washing, then the LTLP came home with lots of Polish vodka and I can’t really remember the rest.

I think I need to get a grip on things a bit more. The nice weather will help, although it has attracted about a grillion large black flying things that splatter on your windscreen and get into your mouth as you ride your bicycle. I have cleaned some manky things off the barbecue and perhaps I will recommission it in the days to come.

It is a Bank Holiday weekend in Norfolk, which essentially means that we get Monday off, although I am going to another childrens’ party and will probably be oinking uncontrollably by then. But I feel I need to enjoy life a bit more and be a bit more racy and dynamic. The bowls season starting will help. But I am introspective, at present. I found a box of old Things in the attic at my parent’s house, and I may write about these Things next week when I have considered them a bit more.

I now need to wrap a present.

Oh. The sun has gone in, and it has started to spit with rain.

Enjoy your weekends.

18 Comments

  1. If I worked in an orange flashy emergency type vehicle with the sole job of leaping out and doing some really dynamic polishing I would absolutely insist on a cape. Also boots. And maybe a ghetto blaster type thing so I could carry my sound track with me.

  2. JonnyBusy. Oh my.

    One of my brothers, when he was a little bigger than a toddler, got his head stuck in the fence leading to the neighbours’ yard. He was going to pinch fruits. He hollered.

  3. WOW, posh bike! It has a windscreen and everyfing!!! wooooooo

  4. Well thanks a bunch for ruining my BH. Only you would HAVE to go to a pig farm when swine fever is incubating. Do I spend the whole week-end worrying if you are presenting symptoms? Probably not.

  5. Why am I reminded of a friend who said that the moment that she realized she was really looking forward to a trip to Walmart was the moment she realized her life had got alarmingly small. She enrolled immediately in Harvard grad school (she was 50-something then.)

    Keep the faith, you are some fine kickass writer.

  6. >It is a Bank Holiday weekend in Norfolk

    What a coincidence! It is also a Bank Holiday weekend in Warwickshire. You’d think they’d organise these things better.

  7. Thank you Leslie. This friend is me.

  8. Forget the ‘pig flu’ and just keep drinking the Polish vodka. By the time you sober up it will all be over. At least it won’t affect your chickens.

  9. What happens if you give chickens vodka?

    Do some relaxing and that over the coming weekend (quite why the banks need a holiday this year, most of them are closed, you’d think they’d need the extra money), you’ll feel miles better afterwards I’m sure.

  10. It has not been a strange week, Jonny. You are just a strange person. Happy to have cleared that up for you.

    I thoroughly approve of the prophylactic use of Polish vodka. As I recall from my own years in that neck of the woods, the resulting hangovers make the onset of debilitating pandemic flu a walk in the park in comparison. Someone should drop a line to the WHO…

  11. Bowls? Racy and dynamic. You’re having a laugh, right?

  12. We also have “a grillion large black flying things”, ours have long dangly legs. What are they? Are they spreading ominously from Norfolk? Should we alert the WHO and the CDC?

  13. My son just said “you doing anything tomorrow?” “A lot to do in the greenhouse”, I said. “And catching up with stuff, you know” (I’ve just got back from a holiday). “How about you?” “Er, I’ve got a lot of washing to do,” he muttered, not without shame.

    I’ve just eaten something with a swig of red wine. Judging by the bit I took out of my mouth, it was half a fruit fly.

    ‘Sex and bowls and rock and roll’. Hmm. One out of four doesn’t quite cut the Colmans, dear heart.

  14. I have heard Alice Cooper is a fan of bowls, I can only assume his guitar playing is so good because he always picked it up and practised between turns.

    Strangely enough though, last Friday not one but two emergency response team vans from the highways agency stopped outside my house, With speed and efficiency they jumped out of a van and spray painted a circle around a crack in the pavement before moving on.

    I can only assume it was their heroic pace which caused them to miss the fact that the crack had been spray painted before with a number 6, judging by the faded yellow, some time before.

    On the plus side though the circle does have a garish 4 sat next to it, I hope this means we are moving up the queue in street repairs, the last circle looked rather old.

  15. At least they clean your signs! The 20mph signs in my area are shamefully grubby. Not only that, but they also have an entirely superfluous sub-sign attached depicting a very poorly drawn snail. I think they are meant to communicate the idea of slowness and innocence but really just say ‘weird mutant snail area, put your foot down’. The condition and style of them make me so angry that I want to write a letter but don’t.

  16. Cleaning the signs?? They don’t even collect the rubbish when they say they will round here!

  17. Alert the WHO? Why? Do you expect Pete Townsend to come round and frighten the flying things away by whirling his arm about?

    And I was thinking – that Polish Vodka? Sounds like the very thing to recommission your barbeque with!

  18. Pigeon poo is meant to be lucky… so I understand 😉

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