We are in the Village Pub.
Everything is normal, until the LTLP announces that she wants to buy a Wii.
I almost drop my pistachio nut in astonishment. The LTLP has never ever been interested in computer games and has, in fact, rolled her eyes when I have occasionally suggested snuggling down together on a Sunday night and installing a ZX Spectrum emulator on the laptop.
I am enormously encouraged until it transpires that she has heard about the new Wii Fit exercise machine, and this is what she has in mind.
Booooooo – this is disappointing. Although computer games were a lot better in my day, I have read the newspapers at length and one of the big benefits of the new ones is that they are all about running people over and killing prostitutes. You never got this on the old computers, as the graphics were not good enough. Frankly I would be quite happy to buy a new computer in order to run people over and kill prostitutes, but I am not sure of the appeal of the exercise thing.
I grab another handful of pistachio nuts. “I am sure we could get fit in some other way?” I ask.
But she is adamant, and it seems a shame to waste her enthusiasm. It occurs to me that if she buys the Wii Fit thing then I will be able to sneak in a more up-to-date-with-the-kidz program, and get lots of exercise by running away from the police and stabbing really vigorously.
The Wii is cleverly marketed as being able to bring families together, and if it gets the LTLP into computer games then that is fine by me. If I join in on her exercise thing then I am hopeful that she will get into the spirit of the other games, perhaps by dressing up and being impaled by my special Nunchuck. We have been a bit left behind in the Village when it comes to the modern technology gaming, and I am excited that this will bring us into the twenty-first century.
I recommend Lego Star Wars. There aren’t any prostitutes but the Gamorrean Guards use their hammer like a guitar.
And you can shoot people as Admiral Ackbar.
I hope you know she’s goin’ to whop you at all the games.
Let the competition begin.
Maybe there’s Wii Pool, or Wii Darts, or even Wii Chickens – to keep your hand in, like.
No surprise that someone who lives in Norfolk spends every waking moment thinking about murdering prostitutes – so far as I can tell it’s the defining characteristic of the Norfolkian male. But if you think that people can be impaled on Nunchucks, it’s likewise no surprise that you do all your serial killing indoors like some sad, spotty anorak.
Give you a real knife and you’d cut yourself, and anyway the toddler would just pour warm milk in your trophy draw full of severed girly bits. It’s tough to explain that kind of thing away when the LTLP finds you using a hairdryer on them in the bathroom. I should stick to Wii Boxing if I were you…
I understand the Wii fit is quite naggy and that. I read somewhere that it makes little “oof” noises when you get on and things as a gentle comment about body mass. One person even claimed that it started asking anxiously about her husband as he had used it once and never returned. Apparently buying a Wii fit is a bit like inviting your mother-in-law to live in the house and then asking if she has any advice for how to live your life.
Would it be nice to join the 21st century? I’m still catching up with the 20th.
What do you do with the nuts? You know you have to get the little green bits out of the shell to eat them? And it can ruin your nails.
Be careful on the Wii bowling game. I played it on New Year’s Eve and I was in a fair amount of pain in my left leg and right arm the following day. I know I’m not as fit as I could be, but it’s never hurt that much doing real-life bowling.
You sure she didn’t say “I’m going for a Wii” ?
So… You want the LTLP to dress up (presumably as a prostitute) so you can impale her with your “special Nunchuck” no doubt “stabbing really vigorously”…. and in some way you beleive this will help you relate to kids better.
Truly we live in a broken society!
I’m afraid it wouldn’t at all surprise me to hear you will carrying out your depraved rituals in your in your bowling trousers….You fiend!
That aside…. I have a genuine, boxed ZX Spectrum if you want it?… With tacky manual and baffling book about “machine code” (Still can’t get the bloody thing to load “Grand Theft Auto” via the squeally tape player though)
I’m waiting until they bring out a cricket game for it.
Will you be killing prostitutes and running away from the police while listening to Jethro Tull?
Get Mario Kart mate, it’s the shizzle
One one leg. Playing the flute.
(that was to Oli)
Pistachios? How very wine bar! A proper villager would be eating dry roasted.
BTW with the right technique you can play the tennis and the bowling while lying on the sofa, so don’t panic. The LTLP can run around all she likes while you don’t even get up.
The Wii fit can be a bit ..ahem, harsh, in it’s comments about weight. If the LTLP is anything heavier than an 8 week old baby be prepared for weeks of ‘do I really look obese?’
‘run people over and kill prostitutes’
‘running away from the police and stabbing really vigorously’
oh Jonny – you are a ‘virtual’ psycho.
Must be due to rural boredom.
Start talking to the chickens more.
Dry roasted? A proper villager would be eating the bits of pie crust left by those lunchtime outsiders who had had the daily special!
Just wait until you put in your stats and the avatar suddenly becomes a short fat person. Well, that’s what happened to me but then I am a short fat person.
Having a wii bit of a rest now? Feeling a wii bit tired, are you?
Andy B,
I read your comment 10 minutes ago and I’m still chuckling – respect!
I’m sure you know it’s not a good idea to eat nuts etc left out on bar counters. They are constantly dipped into by men’s hands on the way back from the loo – often not having washed their lily whites.