Valentine’s Day – a timeline.

Many years ago…

The LTLP is at work. I secretly take the day off and let myself into her shared flat.

The apartment is pleasant, but basic. There is a cooker and a fridge, but few other appliances – certainly nothing that would elevate ‘student lodgings’ to ‘a home’. One of her flatmates has lent me her room for the purposes of gift-concealment; I sneak into here and drag out a small second-hand freezer which I have bought with all the money I have in the world. Panting, I lug it through the doorway and plug it in beside her bed.

I take the bashed-up old car down to Sainsbury’s on Green Lanes. The blizzard drives horizontally against the windscreen; when I reach the car-park the snow is so thick that the parking spaces are completely obscured and I just abandon the car where I can.

I walk in to the supermarket, get out my near-limit credit card and buy every tub of Haagen-Dazs in the shop.

Some years ago…

We are broke; enormously broke.

Nevertheless, we take the tube in to London. We walk along the river, then across Waterloo Bridge which provides one of the most wonderful city views in the world. We dine in a restaurant in fashionable Charlotte Street. The meal is not very nice, but the occasion is everything.

Three years ago…

I plan and execute a traditional English lovers’ meal of roast sheep’s heart. Admittedly, the result is not as expected. We enjoy a delicious Chinese take-away.

Two years ago…

Boooooooo… Valentines Day is just a commercial fraud!!! I am boycotting it!!! That will show the Evil commercial companies who force the unemployeds and poors to buy unnecessary consumer goods and cards!!!

The LTLP presents me with a card. There is a long silence whilst I compose my anti-capitalist explanation in my head. Fortunately the bloke next door with a holiday cottage is off home and throwing some cut flowers away – I purloin them and present an ethically green recycled Valentine’s gift.

One year ago…

A romantic night in. A bottle of wine; the television. The LTLP is away at a work do, however.

This year…

I regret not buying more bread. As it is, I have to eke out the very end of a loaf in order that we have enough to fill the Breville sandwich maker. Something arrives for me from the LTLP. It is the aromatherapy stuff for the fungal infection around my knackers.


  1. What bittersweet me said.

  2. I was hoping the toasted sarnie would be heart-shaped…

  3. …so the romance is still very much alive then…?

  4. You could invite the Ladies from the Disused Fish Shop Party to apply the soothing oils. The LTLP could stand and watch enviously. Then, next year there might be more romance.

    What is a Disused Fish, by the way?

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  6. Now I see how the LTLP was lured into making such an error in judgement as to hook up with JonnyB.

    Crafty bastard.

    However, I note that it did take a phenomenal amount of ice cream and ovine internal organs to seal the deal….

  7. only thing i got from my Canadian Girlfriend for valentines this year was a short talk telling me to shave my ‘beard’ off.

  8. Happy Valentines Day Jonny.

    Thanks for bringing so much laughter to my daily lunch break. I love the blog, but can never be arsed to comment.

  9. I call that progress

  10. Hullo Jane and welcome. That is OK. There are loads and loads of lurkers.

    Hullo lurkers everywhere.

    The thing is that it is not Valentines Day any more, so we have to revert to our non-extravagantly romantic selves once more. But just for a year.

  11. And here I thought romance was dead. That was simply beautiful.

  12. That icecream idea is the best I’ve ever heard. Pure class.

  13. i am still laughing.

    And i WAS FIRST.


  14. “A romantic night in. A bottle of wine; the television. The LTLP is away at a work do, however.”

    Great lines I wish I’d written part 254. Genius.

  15. I laughed, oh how I laughed. I nearly did a bit of wee I laughed so much. Oh, this is a public blog.


  16. I’m a lurker — right here! —

    He He He.
    Thanks for that. I feel better having learned that your V-Day was simple too.

  17. Feeling a wee bit domesticated, are we, sat there with your tube of knacker sauce? You can’t complain, really. Now she’s tied down with Servalan she’s not going to feel obliged to jolly you up so much, but on the other hand without Servalan she’d have left you in the skip long since. A freezer full of Haagen-Dazs will excuse only so many years of feckless idleness, after all…

  18. So really its been down hill all the way?

  19. Sounds bloody exciting to me.

  20. Hello back atcha.

    I’ve made huge progress in recent years in not being very mean to people on That Day.
    I was mean all through the nineties on That Day even when I did have a significant other.

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  22. I’m lurking!!!

    Lurk lurk lurk

    (insert JB style joke about lurking here)

  23. It’s true that when younger (or earlier in the relationship) there is more effort (money) expended on Valentine’s Day.
    My teenaged son is smitten, and started off by insisting we buy & plant a red rose bush last month in order to have roses, without breaking the bank at the florists. (Note that this does work in the southern hemisphere – roses bloomed on cue!) He followed up by buying fancy bras and a heart locket on Trademe online (lock of hair added for full romantic effect!). How he’s going to top this effort next year on student allowance, I’m not sure.

  24. Damn you’re good!

    I tried to write a post that would say this, but failed due to having not lived you’re life.

    All I managed to do on my post was come out and I’m not even gay.

    Hope the knackers get well soon.

  25. Oh crap, I forgot about Valentine’s Day.

    My bad.

  26. Knacker cream,aah well!

  27. The ever increasing scenario of the decreasing importance of Valentine’s Dy.

    Otherwise known as impending middle age.

  28. Wot, no greeting for commenters?

    Should we just go away and leave you to your lurkers then?

  29. Hullo Duck!!! (personal greeting there)

  30. Pingback: Valentine’s Day. | Private Secret Diary

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