A while ago I came up with a spectacularly good plan.

Battling depression, following the loss of my secret hideaway that could only be reached by opening a swinging bookcase like in the Scooby Doo cartoons, I decided on a course of action.

I would create a secret wardrobe door that led into our bedroom, like in Narnia.

The LTLP was not greatly enthusiastic, but she would have come round in the end, like she did with the relationship an’ stuff. As it was, I spent ages studying the doorway and working out what would be required to create a really brilliant secret wardrobe entrance thing. Like in Narnia.

Then I discovered that the Canoe Man had got there first.

I do not normally do a cry for help via this private secret diary. But you have no idea – no idea – how it feels to discover that one’s cherished plans are not unique and brilliant after all, but are in fact of the same level of intellectual creative thinking and insight as the sort of plan that Canoe Man comes up with.

Honestly. You have no idea. None.

I am crushed.

27 thoughts on “I am kicked in the Canoelies.

  1. Blossom says:

    Well no, you’re not the first with this brilliant hidey-hole idea, but it’s so appealing that generations of children have enjoyed hide-and-seek games, just so that they can shut themselves behind a door and imagine where else they could get to.
    A friend’s son (when about 8 yrs old) managed to persuade his parents to make a hole between his wardrobe back wall and the hall cupboard (which backed on to it) in order to make night visits to the adjoining bathroom more interesting.
    I have also entertained the idea of making little tunnel-shaped holes between the rooms of the house in order to run the hubby’s model railway in a more realistic fashion all over the place! So far, this hasn’t happened, but the idea remains.
    I think the important thing about secret doors is what purpose you have in mind. Obviously Canoeman’s devious insurance-dodging is just not on. What purpose do you have in mind?

  2. lindamatey says:

    johnny dear, I am weeping with laughter. But think yourself lucky, this could actually have been a narrow escape you know. LTLP might have held you hostage with threats of breezeblocks over the opening – if you get my drift….

  3. Brennig says:

    I have an idea how it feels. I spent two years researching a novel, nine months writing the first draft and the day after I sent it off to my publisher I saw a trailer for a new series on BBCTV which stole my ideas!

  4. *Pitches My “Dead” Husband Next Door to BBC*

  5. Ah yes. A man would think of his bedroom as a magical kingdom…

  6. Nothing daunted, Jonny. Why not get your own back by disappearing without trace for six years? That’ll show that no-good claim-jumper! And free up valuable time for the rest of us to go visit better (ie, other) blogs.

    Of course, LTLP will instantly burn your stuff, change Servalan’s name, and remarry (no, wait, that should read marry), but she’ll be faking it throughout, trust me. There’s nothing that girl won’t do for you, you know…

  7. Z says:

    I remember a few years ago there was an auction of house contents from a bloke who had spent years collecting antiques. Half way through, they moved a wardrobe and found a whole extra room that hadn’t been looked in for years.

    Actually, that’s not the same thing at all. Forget that I said anything. Sorry.

  8. spazmo says:

    Canoe Man is a tough act to follow.

    How about this: decorate your bedroom walls with white paint and inlaid roundels, replace the bed with a hexagonal console, and instead of a wardrobe, build a blue police box in the doorway.

    You could even put a lock on it, and wear the key proudly on a chain round your neck!
    The LTLP can scarcely object to that, can she?

  9. I love the caption on the Sun story:

    “Hubby squatter and the chamber of secrets”

    The tabloids have reached new levels of punnage with this story, it’s wonderful to watch

  10. john.g. says:

    Wasn’t this tried in The Great Escape?

  11. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    We have a secret private door in the bedroom.

    It is the, Alice In Wonderland Doorway. The entrance is about nine foot from ground level…so you need to be extremely tall; when up there, you need to be extremely small, as it’s only three foot high.

    I’m considering renting it out to potential ex-canoeists, if anyones interested?

    The LTLH doesn’t need to know.

  12. Richard says:

    If it’s any comfort, Jonny, in an interview Canoeman’s own father thought his son wasn’t clever enough to concoct such a clever plan. We know this is was all your own work.

  13. JonnyB says:

    Blossom – tunnel shaped things are brilliant!!! We could put them all round the house for the trains and… oh hang on, you said you were married.

    But Spazmo – that is a truly wondrous thought.

  14. JonnyB says:

    AND then I could get her a Leela outfit for Christmas.

  15. Pat says:

    Be thankful Jonny! It always ends in tears. Look at the tragic Donald Crowhurst – before your time but a salutory tale.

  16. Pat says:

    Dammit my things slipped again

  17. Blossom says:

    Glad to hear you’re keen on tunnel arrangements around the house – try out the idea on the LTLP and she what she thinks! (for the model railway, Jonny)

  18. What about a secret passageway from your bedroom to Short Tony’s? I imagine it would be very useful for sneaking out to/back from the pub undetected by the LTLP/Mrs Short Tony, and would double as a fire escape to please the Building Inspectors.

    Just remember whose bedroom is whose, or there may be some hilarious consequences!!!

    (*Sends off 1-pager to BBC just in case*)

  19. Episode 1 – “I wake up in Short Tony’s bed with Mrs Short Tony!!!”

    Episode 2 – “I wake up in Short Tony’s bed with Short Tony!!!”

    Episode 3 – “I wake up in my bed with Short Tony!!!”

    Episode 4 – “I wake up trapped in the wardrobe!!!”

    Episode 5 – “I wake up in Short Tony’s bed with the LTLP and have to convince her that this is where we live!!!”

    Episode 6 – “I wake up in my bed with Short Tony, the LTLP, Mrs Short Tony and Len the Fish!!!”

    Christmas Special – “We go on holiday to Spain and find the Short Tonies have the adjacent hotel room, which has a connecting door!!!”

  20. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    That’s fantastic!

    Short Tony’s short passageway. Has a certain ring to it.

  21. Jenny says:

    But Canoe Man didn’t want a secret wardrobe, he wanted secret money. I believe your dream is still alive.

    Plus, it wasn’t even well built.

    Push on, man, push on.

  22. guyana-gyal says:

    Well, the Canoe man got his idea from Narnia, and lots of children do the wardrobe thing.

    But you JonnyB can do something different. Like a garden…a pretend garden that is really the doorway…it can be the garden that leads to your secret boudoir. heh.

  23. *Checks new Ikea catalogue for Dårwïn wardrobe*

  24. GingerBollox says:

    Why don’t you place a secret entrance in a canoe? I am pretty sure that hasn’t been done.

  25. Sewmouse says:


    Mr. Jonny has become lost in the wardrobe and cannot find his way out of the lingerie?

  26. sobored says:


  27. JonnyB says:

    Can I get you a pillow?

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