Len the Fish passes round the plate.

“Potted head, anyone? It’s just the head boiled up then formed into cubes.” I take a piece and smother it in mustard. It is very nice; in fact it is the best potted head that I have ever tasted. The remainder of pig rests glumly on the table whilst the audience looks on.

Len the Fish has been booked to address the W.I. next year, a prospect that, as a reasonable man, fills him with terror. The LTLP accordingly offered to allow him to practice his butchery demonstration in our kitchen to a crowd of assorted friends, who are less likely to cut up rough than the Institutionettes, who can be notoriously fierce – especially when there are knives.

“The Toddler would like this,” I offer, munching on my head.

Eddie fires up the great cogs and pistons of the sausage machine as Len the Fish starts making incisions. Meanwhile Short Tony is told to start skinning in order to produce some crackling for a starter. A hundredweight of potatoes go into a stockpot ready for boiling.

Three hours later we are all tucking into the most home-made meal of bangers and mash that you can possibly think of. There are rolled joints, and a bag of sausages for everybody to take home.

At this point I realise in alarm that we have turned into the smug people at the end of cookery programmes where they all sit down at the table and make complimentary remarks to the chef for the benefit of the camera. It is a horrifying thought. Fortunately the mash is a bit soggy, so I can say so and break the illusion.

There are two pieces of head left. I offer them round; there are no takers, so I bung them in the fridge. Having finished a crate of Broadside we decide to go to the Village Pub. I would stay for the LTLP’s tidying-up demonstration, but there is nothing worse than people looking over your shoulder when you work.

19 thoughts on ““Now would anybody like some potted head?”

  1. Duck says:

    ‘There are rolled joints, and a bag of sausages for everybody to take home’.

    Mr Ambassador you are spoiling us.

    Have you been using the chicken coop to grow marijuana?

  2. AndrewM says:

    Don’t overdo the potted head. Remember, you are what you eat, and you are generously proportioned in the bonce department already.

  3. AndrewM says:

    Also, bottled beer will give you wind. I suggest you invest in sealable plastic containers if you are going to persist in drinking beer at home. Potential beer purchases can be rigorously sampled at the Village Pub. Incidentally, that’s an apt but very unusual name for a village pub.

    Back to work.

  4. Sigh Head jokes now, is it? Scraping the bottom there a little, aren’t we? Hardly worth commenting given the deluge of sniggering to follow.

    Now if only you’d open up the comments on your An-Iraqi-Is-For-Life-Not-Just-For-Xmas post, imagine all the mature, considered, high-quality comments you’d have got! Much better than the usual innuendos and wife-abuse…

  5. Comments from pot-heads. Now it all makes sense!

  6. Ergh – what a revoltingly medieval evening – grinding up dead pig and then eating it is a jolly night out?

  7. Do you think the poor piggy had an itchy head?

    He could have done some pork scratchin.


  8. guyana-gyal says:

    What I want to know is, what did you do with the eyes and brain? And tongue? Man, this thing reminds me of something some folks here eat, called sous, cow’s head in a sauce.

  9. Pat says:

    I don’t think you should be writing about rolled joints. Its the primrose path and we all know what that leads to.

  10. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    How DO you convince a pig to put its head in boiling water anyway?

  11. Richard says:

    Crackling. With a good layer of juicy fat underneath and just enough tenacity to loosen your fillings. The best.

    I’m sure the LTLP understood you not interfering in her clearing up demo, you were the host after all.

  12. Linda says:

    Yeah, I just hate it when my husband looks over my shoulder while I am doing dishes or cleaning. Especially after I cooked dinner.

  13. a meat party! I haven’t been to a meat party since I left Norfolk. “Would you like to come back to mine and chop up a cadaver” doesn’t work as a chat up line here, it seems.

  14. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    Lady Cadaver, children eat your feet

    Wonder how you manage to make ends meet?

    Stephen: ‘Seeee how they ruuuun….’

  15. john.g. says:

    Make some brawn with the head!

  16. ellie says:

    Offering head and giving them meat! I think I’m seeing the W.I. in a whole new light.

  17. Steve says:

    Bits of heads in the fridge…. didn’t Jeffrey Dhama get caught that way?

  18. omykiss says:

    I like fish head …. cooked in lentils. I thought you meant fish head at first. Maybe because of Len!

  19. jenny says:

    i am white but this cute guy is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!
    i love him very much but he’s going out with this girl. help me i need advice

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