“Well did he have them at that point?”

I stare at Mrs Short Tony in some confusion.

The previous night is surrounded in some haze. I know that there was a raffle up at the Village Pub, and a very nice girl singer, and some beer. But as far as I am concerned it was a sensible and early night.

“Yes,” I affirm with some resolve. “He definitely had them when I left him.”

I would have noticed if he hadn’t, I decide. Plus it was a night of an arctic nature, and there was the odd passing car that would have hooted or something. Mrs Short Tony shakes her head very slowly from side to side.

“Short Tony has lost his trousers,” explains the LTLP to the Toddler, who is wondering what is going on. The Toddler gives everyone a Basil Exposition type look and goes back to her plotting.

“He had them on when we reached our drive,” I recall. “He must have lost them between the bus stop and your house. That’s  -” I do a quick mental calculation – “one hundred yards?”

“I’ll go and look for them again.”

“Check the bus shelter,” I offer. “And what about the chicken coop?”

Mrs Short Tony disappears to check the bus shelter and the chicken coop. I think about writing a notice to stick up in the Village Pub, but I would not wish to expose Short Tony to ridicule.

“Are you sure he had them on when you left him?” interrogates the LTLP.

“Yes,” I reply, less sure than I was before.

38 Comments

  1. Please Mr B, what is Basil Exposition?

    I think I might be first. Does one get a medal, or a prize of some kind?

  2. He was in the funny Austin Powers films!!! Played by M York.

  3. who wears the trousers in that relationship?

  4. You’ve got them, haven’t you? They’re in your fridge.

  5. It was a natural and beautiful thing, Jonny. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Tho’ I always saw you as more the catcher than the pitcher, to be honest.

    Anyway, as long as you were thinking about the very nice girl singer at the crucial moment, you’re not gay, ok? LTLP will be so relieved when you explain that…

  6. It’s the very nice girl singer I’m worried about. No No! Not in a Norfolk village!
    Has ST lost weight recently?

    1

  7. I once saw that Joseph musical which was about a man who had lost his coat.

    Maybe mr lloyd webber wants to do one on short tony which has a spin off bbc talent show called ‘Any sheep will do’

  8. Blimey, I’m feeling cold just thinking about it! Did he have thermal long johns on underneath his absent trews?!

  9. Compliments of the season with icicles on Short Tony’s personal bits.

  10. Dickie "Touch" Tingles

    I say, old boy, are you making this stuff up now? Nobody loses their trollies in the 100 yards between their neighbours’ house and their own. And while I’m thinking about it … 100 yards between your house and his? I thought you were next door neighbours and shared an adjoining boundary. Are you that plush that each house has a couple of football pitches for gardens? Writing about life in Norfolk must pay better than I thought.

    Maybe young Antony got home, fancied a bit of a special cuddle with Mrs Short Tony, got a bit carried away, what with being merry for the season and all, ripped off his strides and swung his pants so hard that they sailed out through the window. Has anyone checked nearby lamp-posts and/or trees for hanging passion-flung kecks hurled from afar? That’s where I would look.

    Sorry there’s so much of this. Your site and all. Got a bit carried away myself. Off for a sit down now. Cheerio!

  11. You’re not going to tell us what really happened to Short Tony’s trousers, are you? This is like the lightbulb joke all over again. I am feeling very dissatisfied with the service lately!

  12. something tells me that Mrs ST and the LTLP are about to gang up on the pair of you – perhaps you won’t be the only one going cold turkey on the CH3CH2OH after Crimbo.

  13. I suspect the chickens…..

  14. Did Madonna take them?

  15. Madonna?!?

    I’m sure I would have noticed if any celebrities had been in the Village Pub recently.

  16. i agree with ani.
    also, as a gesture of solidarity, i suggest you also misplace your trousers or we’ll have to do it for you if you don’t tell us what happened to short tony’s trousers.

  17. I’m with Dickie in thinking you’re making this up — though I’d phrase it in less of a Colonial Brigadier sort of way.

  18. Is it just a chicken coop?

    Or is there a cock in there?

    If so, he may have borrowed the trews for reasons of propriety, if the girls were egging him on 😉

  19. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    If you’re sending out a Short Tony Trouser Hunt party – might I respectfully suggest, you inform them they’re looking for what most people would assume to be, SHORTS.

    Unless of course, he’s really rather tall.

  20. Has no one thought to ask about the timespan between when ST left you to walk to his home, and when he actually entered his house?

    A lot can happen to a man in 100 yards. That’s why it’s best he stay in his own.

  21. Mr B
    Now then, where was ST during this discussion?

    Shooooorely a man would know the whereabouts of his own strides…?!

    It was that last pint of Guinness, on top of the vindaloo, that did it.
    I see a hasty, yet interrupted, one hundred yard dash home….across pebbles perhaps?

    Advise Mrs ST to call off the hunt. Sounds like it could get messy. Very messy.

  22. I reckon he lost his waterproof trousers … not his trouser trousers … right?

  23. You just can’t trust those chickens. You never know what they might be up to. Wait, you haven’t got them yet, right?

  24. I for one welcome our new chicken Overlords and make them a gift of slightly soiled trousers (small). Excellent lining for the new coop.

  25. Did they have buttons or a zip ? Sometimes those buttons are more trouble than they are worth and it’s not even worth trying to do them up. That could be the source of the problem. Although how they could fall off over a pair of wellies I cannot explain.

  26. If the Short Tony Trouser Hunt Party sing carols at the same time they would do their bit for charidy and earn brownie points from the missusses. Just a thought.

  27. I’m suspicious of the chickens also. I always catch them looking at my trousers with a jealous glint in those beady poultry eyes.

  28. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    ‘The holly and the ivy,
    When they are both full grown
    Of all the trees that are in the wood
    The holly bears Short tony’s trousers
    O the rising of the bum
    And the running of the beer
    The playing of the merry organ
    Sweet swinging of his gear…’

  29. removing one’s trousers is perfectly normal for a toddler.

  30. my friend lost her mobile in the fridge. she was cleaning some kind of green vegetable (I’m from croatia and have no desire to walk 10 steps to get the dictionary, and I will NOT mention that I teach english…) and left it in the fridge, where she found the mobile the next day. (she might have found it earlier but was not hungry). so I for one think trousers are in someone’s fridge. but have to point out that they should not be worn at least an hour after you find them, LOL. but that would be a funny thing to see…

  31. Was it a very windy night?

  32. You hawked them on ebay, didn’t you?

  33. Gah. Mrs Short Tony: ‘They were in the washing machine’.

    Which is a damp squib if I’ve ever heard one, especially since I actually SEARCHED THE BACK GARDEN.

    She has no idea how annoying it is when you write something like this and build up to a big climax and there isn’t one.

    Boooooooooooooooooooo. I shall never believe her again.

  34. You searched the back garden, whereas she simply strolled over to the washing machine and extracted them as deftly as Paul Daniels pulling a rabbit from a hat. Although a sadly soggy and pungent rabbit. She clearly knows her husband (and his urinary incontinence issues) rather better than you, Jonny. Which is frankly something of a relief to all right-thinking readers…

  35. She probably planted them there.

  36. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    Aharrr…

    So it was Mrs. Short Tony, in the utility room with a washing machine?

  37. You must tell Mrs ST that one doesn’t plant things in the washing machine. If she does want them to grow (a distinct possibility if Tony is ever to get any longer)then the garden is definitely the preferred location. In a John Innes No 3 compost with a good mulch. Don’t forget to prick out.

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