It is possible that the LTLP is right, and I am drinking too much. But she constantly loads the dishwasher incorrectly, and who is to judge which is worse?

“I’m just going to the bowls AGM,” I plead, when she makes an aside about me going out once more. “It’s just a meeting.”

On my return there is a certain froideur between us, as she examines my leg injuries with a critical air.

Personally, I blame the constant pressure of the government targeting me as a middle-class binge drinker for my binge drinking. But whilst they are at risk of causing a backlash, I have to admit that I might need to cut down a bit. The problem is that my own drinking is typical of many peoples’ in that I drink to get over an underlying problem; in my case this being that I find it difficult to get drunk otherwise. It is a catch-22 situation.

I went to Tesco this morning. “Not got your whisky this morning?” asked the cheerful assistant, which came as a bit of a shock to be honest. I have bought whisky a couple of times before (not just for me), but to be identified by a stranger as a regular 8.15am Scotch purchaser was a jolt. Later in the conversation she asked me how my chef’s job was going, but the revelation of this a case of mistaken identity did little to improve my peace of mind.

After Christmas I have decided to be teetotal. There is no point in me trying to cut down, I must just bite the bullet. It will not be fun, but I am determined.

52 thoughts on “I am spoken to.

  1. greavsie says:

    Are you impersonating Gordon Ramsay again?

    Still, you could give up drink and take up swearing like a trooper.

    ‘I F***ing spoken to’

  2. Duck says:

    More likely to be Keith Floyd – although Ramsey is a big runner…

  3. Idgie says:

    You and me both – Finding myself unemployed suddenly with far too much time on my hands…

    Well, let’s just say we could meet for coffee and see who’s got the worst case of DTs! 🙂

  4. I think your real problem is in drinking in public where you leave yourself open to judgment. Drink in private and carry a hip flask to the pub and other public places and secretly slip some whiskey into your seemingly virtuous coke

  5. Megan says:

    Fool. Go teetotal after New Years. Everyone knows that. First you can be all smug and resolutiony, second (and far, far more important) you will not be sober during the singing of the song no one knows anything but the first two lines of.

  6. JonnyB says:

    Would it not be a bad thing to slip whiskey in like that? It would really irritate your nostrils as you snorted it up.

  7. Gina says:

    Great joke Johnny!!! I’m not sure where the light bulb came into it though…

  8. Ani says:

    Just like you were determined to go jogging, eh? How IS that going, anyway?

  9. tillylil says:

    Will you see life in quite the same way when you are permanently sober?

  10. JonnyB says:

    Good God, girl? Who said anything about ‘permanently?!?’ I am aiming to do a week and see what happens.

  11. Gerbil says:

    Incorrect Dishwasher Loading is becoming such a widespread problem in our society these days. We cannot let this problem influence today’s youth.

  12. JonnyB says:

    That is true, Gerbil. Something must be done. Surely there is a government agency or whatever…?

  13. Lisa says:

    Frankly, with all this leaving of peanut butter covered knives and cups with remnants of curdled cream and coffee about the house, I think there are far worse problems to focus on in the world.

  14. Pat says:

    I’m constantly berated for loading the supermarket trolley incorrectly so I don’t do it anymore. I do hope LTLP sees the light. God knows there are enough light bulbs around.

  15. Fanto says:

    One way to avoid being classed as a “binge drinker” is to drink continually.

    Then again, LTLP might not be too happy and anyway, “binge drinker” implies a certain joi de vivre that “jobless wino” doesn’t quite capture.

  16. josephine says:

    I’m with you Jonny, my diets always start tomorrow as well.

  17. john.g. says:

    LMAO! I’ve got more chance of running again!!

  18. David says:

    Hey, hey.. HEY.

    Let’s not jump to any rash decisions here. Perhaps you just need to juggle priorities a little. After all, didn’t someone other than me once say that working is the scourge of the drinking class?

  19. mb says:

    i haven’t had a drink since liverpool beat alaves to win the uefa cup. It had nothing to do with them winning though. Don’t miss it at all.

  20. Gerbil says:

    It’s probable. It’ll be one of those undercover jobbies though, like on the Matrix. They’ve probably got spies watching the every move on the LTLP.

  21. Grumpy B says:

    What does binge taste like, and where can you buy it? I think I’m missing out.

  22. badgergirl says:

    cutting down is esy as long as you have the support/cooercion of your nearest and dearest. How about pretending you are pregnant?

  23. badgergirl says:

    “easy” – sorry, I’ve only had the one, honest.

  24. Shame on you, Jonny. Binge drinking is no laughing matter. I spent two years in the Soviet Union and saw the grim results of widespread alcohol abuse on a daily basis, often in mirrors. As I recall, there was little laughter involved, although there was quite a lot of sprawling in snowdrifts, swearing at passers-by.

    Lack of exercise, unsanitary sausages, and now alcohol. Trifecta! By my calculations, Jonny’s life expectancy has plummeted so far he’s due to drop dead right about…. now, and The Girl will have to fill in for him until Servalan is of age to inherit. Ah well. Mustn’t grumble. Silver linings and all that.

  25. Pat says:

    Off topic and I can’t remember what it was – have just noticed that on Jonny’s new blog some commenters have their names so you can click on them and get their site, and some (including mine)don’t. It seems to be something to do with Word Press. Is there any way round this. Thanks in anticipation.

  26. surly girl says:

    pah. try going mental, then realising that drinking only makes you feel worse despite it pretending to make you feel better. the horror.

    on the plus side, i have a lot more disposable income these days. on the minus side, i am, apparently, not nearly as good company as i thought i was.


  27. Richard says:

    “Surely there is a government agency or whatever…?”

    It would be called “Offload”

  28. Richard says:

    And the linking seems to be a trifle arbitrary because mine appears to link to this site.

  29. Z says:

    I seem to remember you being kind, helpful and completely non-judgmental when the LTLP kept falling over and breaking limbs, and she with a young baby to think about. Eyeing your innocently gained (no doubt) leg injuries with a critical air seems completely uncalled for and quite unsympathetic.

  30. Nea says:

    Just testing the link thing.

  31. Nea says:

    It works for me. I get a picture too (the linky thing). Have you filled in the Website box when you leave a comment, Pat?

    Sorry JonnyB, using your comments for experiments, but then you still haven’t told us the JOKE, so I shall carry on experimenting!

  32. Ooh linky things!!!

    What makes me jealous is that JonnyB gets a white silhouette thingy next to his replies.

  33. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    If Servalan’s inhertitance is going down the drain, at least she’ll have the fall back position of a correctly loaded dishwasher.

  34. Richard says:

    Ahh, I noticed an error in the website box. It should be sorted now and I will look less of a fool.

  35. guyana-gyal says:

    Nea, the only joke is the one that JonnyB played on us, fooling us that there is a joke. April Fools us.

    Gosh, jogging, no drinking for one week. Are you’re joking again, JonnyB?

  36. Birdy says:

    You might find this site useful:

    I managed 5 whole days last week.

  37. Linda says:

    If the drinking and dangerous sports don’t kill you, I think the LTLP will.

  38. duncan says:

    give up at christmas….

    until the new year!

    chin chin

  39. Yeah but Rufus, the sad thing is that is actually a portrait photo of Johnny B. All puffed up and pale with a blank expression: clearly an alcoholic…

  40. Pat says:

    Yay! Nea’s briliant! Thanks loads.

  41. Damian says:

    Good luck. I shall toast your success with a pleasant and fruity beverage of the non-alcoholic variety.

  42. .. just a meeting.

    hmmm. You’ll need another sort of meeting soon. And how did you get injured at an AGM? Don’t the bowls run along the ground in quite a safe manner?

  43. Smiler says:

    I was going to suggest you join a Binge Drinkers Anonymous group. But that won’t solve the problem with the dishwasher.

  44. omykiss says:

    Yeah Right! Now if you were a Kiwi living down under you would GET this joke but since you’re in Norfolk (sorry about that) you might need me to expain. ‘Yeah Right!’ is the well known punchline to ALL Tui beer ads. Just a couple of examples will put you in the picture: ‘American Intelligence! Yeah right!’ or referring to our recent loss in the rugby world Cup ‘We’ll win the next one! Yeah right!’. So ‘JonnyB gives up whiskey! Yeah right!’ could make it to the billboards … pity about norfolk!

  45. Sandy says:

    Thankyou Pat for pointing out that you can connect to commenters blogs by clicking on their name. As a loyal reader of Johny B. and his commenters, I shall be checking you all out. And do give total sobriety a try, Johny.

  46. Why oh why can’t the female of the species ever load a dishwasher correctly. It’s enough to drive you to drink !

  47. Don’t worry about the cheerful assistant’s obvious contempt and revulsion at your 8.15am whiskey. She obviously doesn’t know that an early morning hair of the dog is a well-known pick-me-up for the previously overserved. Anything more than the hairs of an Afghan Hound puppy though, and you might want to cut back.

    Plus, she is obviously a prole who doesn’t know that the right glen and the right year can really bring out the flavours of venison, sharp cheese and cornflakes.

  48. Udge says:

    At the risk of interjecting a serious note, and for what little it’s worth, I found total abstinence much easier than cutting down. Good luck, stick with it.

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