More heat!!!

Broiling me with the feverishness of its hellish warmth!!!

The curtains hang perfectly still (due to the fact that there is no wind (making it hotter)). I watch them like a viewer of BBC3’s ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’, desperately seeking any sign of life.

Beside me performs Jumbo’s Amazing Animal Band.

The neighbours’ car alarm goes off. Woooeeeeeooooeeeeooooeeeoooeeee!!! (I hope I’ve spelt that right). They have one of those car alarms that sounds periodically to reassure the owner that the vehicle hasn’t been stolen. Thirty seconds later it cuts back into silence, as going on for any longer would cause a disturbance.

I take a sip of water. For the 234724th time I discover that this doesn’t provide the cool tidal wave of zinging refreshment that I anticipate. Instead the heat seems to become even more heaty as my head returns to the pillow.

Next door’s dog starts barking.

I listen to this for some time, before deciding to throw some poisoned meat out of the window for it. I try to remember what I have available. There is nothing in the fridge. There is a large rib roast in the freezer, which would seem a bit of a waste on poisoning an annoying dog. Plus it would take ages to defrost in the microwave. If I was really accurate, I could throw it whilst still frozen, stun the dog, then retrieve the meat and return it to the freezer.

This seems to be a bit of a long shot.

Brahms’s lullaby starts playing from the other room. Baby Servalan has a musical carrot that plays Brahms’s lullaby when you pull the green bit. I am not sure that this was what Brahms had in mind when he wrote it.

I lie, sticky, sweaty and stupefied, listening to the distant sound of a musical carrot.

I do not drift off to sleep.