I want to know where all the washing comes from.

Every morning I do some washing. Some mornings I do two or three loads. Don’t worry – I have a machine that does most of the work for me. I just don’t understand.

I clearly remember when I was young, there would be a ‘washing day’ when it would all get done. This was as part of a family of four.

As far as I can tell, I don’t wear more clothes than I used to. In fact, when I was a kid I would have got more dirty, playing on my bike and stuff. Actually, thinking about it, I was sitting in my bedroom programming my ZX Spectrum whilst the other children were outside, getting dirty, making friends etc., so maybe that doesn’t stack up.

As it is, it’s pissing down with rain outside so there is wet laundry hanging everywhere. The bedroom looks like the pants department of Marks and Spencer.

In fact, if I wanted to make a bit of cash I could follow the example of those farmers who have diversified by setting up mazes using their fields of maize – the ‘Amazing Maize Mazes’, and do the same with my pants. It would be great. People would start at the top of the stairs and have to work their way to the door of the second bedroom. Truly my ‘Amazing Pants Maze’ would be a tourist attraction for miles around, and I could buy more Persil with the proceeds.

The only problem I can see is that I would have to buy more pants whilst my old ones were being used, which would then generate more washing. But then I could extend the maze into the second bedroom, thus providing customers with a reason to make a repeat visit.

I could probably charge a bit more at that point, and buy one of those trendy Dyson washing machines.

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