A welcome to the sudden influx of police enthusiasts from here.

I was in London for the big demonstration on Wednesday, but unfortunately got my dates completely mixed up and got laughed out of Parliament Square dressed in my Batman costume.

No. That was a joke. I was there for business reasons. Honest.

I saw on Newsround that some protesters were having a go at so-called ‘Police Brutality’. Whilst I live in a rural area, I have to say that this is just typical of the way some countryside dwellers are completely out of touch with the needs and traditions of the Metropolitan Police.

The Metropolitan Police have been hitting people on the heads with truncheons for hundreds of years. It is not just a sport – it is a whole way of life.

In fact, it has been shown that the only really efficient way of keeping the number of protesters down is by hitting them on the head with truncheons. Other ways – laying traps, shooting them etc – are far crueler and lead to unnecessary suffering..

We saw on the news protesters cheerfully being interviewed with blood pouring down their faces. Proof, indeed, that the experience is not particularly traumatic – indeed, there is no evidence at all that protesters feel any pain or fear when being hit on the head with a truncheon.

By stopping the police hitting protesters on the head with truncheons, the ‘do-gooders’ will be condemning a whole economy to ruin. Thousands of people depend on this activity for their livelihood – bandage-makers, paramedics – lawyers, etc.

What’s more, if hitting people on the head with truncheons was banned, the police would immediately have to shoot all their police dogs. They wouldn’t enjoy doing that, but it would make a point so that would be all right.

This politically-correct nonsense must stop. I, for one, will be arranging some sort of Rik Mayall-like student direct action protest in order to change the world.

Memo – must think of something to actually DO once I break into the chamber, and perhaps bring along some people who the average man in the street might have some sympathy with.

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