Hullo and welcome to all new readers. And old ones, who are reading this because they can’t quite remember why they visit here.
This isn’t a real first entry. I added it later on, using technology. But it seemed a good place to start.
I went a bit mad when I decided to move on from my superduper high-powered job and work on my own from a cottage in rural Norfolk. So I sat tappety-tapping away at this keyboard all day, with just the rabbits in the garden to chat to. Occasionally I talked to myself. “Shall I get a cup of tea? Yes, I’d like a cup of tea”.
And I started writing this. I figured that the world is full of exciting, metropolitan, big city blogs. Or blogs by people with lots-of-people-can-relate-to-them-type jobs. In Norfolk, you see, we realise that the whole rest of the world is very insular (and probably inbred). Anyway, those must be really easy to come up with. What the world needed was regular interesting articles about the fact that NOTHING EVER BLOODY HAPPENS TO ME.
Then the Baby arrived and I remained a bloke that sat around at home all day doing nothing, except I had a baby to feed on a regular basis as well. She seemed to appreciate this, but honestly – I can see why housewives spend all day shagging the milkman.
Probably my life has changed again since then, but I haven’t been bothered to update this.
Thank you for reading. I love you all.
JonnyB – I, JonnyB, I am the hero of this blog. When it is made into a movie I will be played by Johnny Depp or Keanu or somebody like that. Unless it is made by Richard Curtis, in which case I will be played by some floppy haired English twat, and the LTLP will be a plastic American woman.
The LTLP stands for “Long Term Life Partner”. Which is probably a tautology, but it sort of stuck and it sounds a lot better than “Her Indoors” or the cringeingly golf-club “She Who Must Be Obeyed”. She has a proper job and rolls her eyes at me a lot, usually because she does not understand. She fell pregnant and gave birth to Baby Servalan, who I don’t write much about because, let’s face it, babies aren’t very interesting.
Short Tony lives next door and is named on account of his diminutive stature.
Big A (who is tall), Narcoleptic Dave (who tends to go to sleep after a few beers), Eddie and Len the Fish are neighbours and friends. Narcoleptic Dave very kindly let me his cottage for a pittance for a few months, whilst the Methodical Builder was bashing mine around. Len the Fish is not really a fish, but goes fishing a lot.
The Cheerful Builder spent a lot of time here doing building work in an amiable fashion, and became a friend. By contrast, The Methodical Builder spent a lot of time here doing building work in a more taciturn manner. That’s builders, you see – they represent a diverse cross-section of society.
The Rabbits – there are two families of rabbits. Most live in holes in the garden and run about willy-nilly. There are other rabbits that live in a cage in Short Tony’s garden.
Salvadore Vincent sometimes looks after this blog whilst I am on holiday. He is a very funny man, who writes things for the telly. Other guests have been mysterious blogging newcomer Betty and New York Comedian and subsequent John-Oliver-Last-Week-Tonight writer Jill Twiss.
Questions I have genuinely been asked via this blog
Where in Norfolk are you?
In a small village in the North West. Thank you for your interest. Now please stop stalking me.
Is everything true or do you make things up?
Everything’s true. When you’re writing about – let’s face it – totally inconsequential things, then it’s really only interesting if it’s true. The bits that are jokes should be obvious as jokes.
What does LTLP stand for?
See the cast list.
Are you David Baddiel?
No, I’m not David Baddiel. Are you some sort of mad woman?
Are you Chris Evans?
For fuck’s sake!!!
Why don’t you write about blogging and other normal things?
Pick up the Guardian’s Media section to see how interesting to outsiders it is to read newspapermen writing about how terribly important being a newspaperman is.
I think you should write more in the style of Monty Python or The Goons.
Thank you for your input.
I really like your blog. If I link to yours, will you link to mine?
I’m genuinely chuffed if you enjoy the blog, and enormously grateful to the people that link to me. Please, please don’t ask me for a reciprocal link though. Most of my linkees are personal friends or people who I have admired immensely over a long period, and I feel such an arse saying ‘no, cos I want to keep the list short’.
I am very sorry they are closing your Post Office.
I never said they were closing my local Post Office!!! If you read the series from the start it should be fairly clear that I was talking in general. Unfortunately (but with the best of motives) some people then wrote that I had started a campaign to save my local post office, and it sort of took on a life of its own. But Post Office closures are evil and wrong.
Isn’t doing a FAQ list a bit ‘pompous blogger’?
I have a question.