Across Tennessee. By Kia.

I switch off the television set.

Then I switch it back on again, to double check what I am hearing. It is startling. We do not have advertisements like this in Britain, not even on Sky Sports 3.

Personally, if I have an erection that lasts for longer than four hours, then I will not contact my doctor. I will contact all my mates.

US television is utterly technically inept. The picture is rubbish, the graphics are Clive Sinclair-standard, they regularly cut away accidentally from the end of bits they shouldn’t cut away from, or leave long pauses where the producer presumably should have done something. This ineptitude partially explains why many people think the content itself is useless. Whereas we have stuff like Jeremy Kyle, and ‘Meanwhile, a man in Hull…’ local news.

I find it disconcerting, but I can appreciate that it is probably a Good Thing to maturely and openly address the medical condition concerned. I switch the television off once more and go down to breakfast.

“There is an ad about having a stiffy for four hours!!!” I hiss at the LTLP, over a bizarre parallel-universe type breakfast.

They do not have normal things like black pudding in Tennessee. Instead, they eat scones with their bacon and eggs, covering them with weak mushroom soup.

“Would you like to try some of my grits?”

“No.”

“That is the right answer.”

I accept the proffered free refill of coffee – the reason that America is such a great nation – and lean back in my chair. The tickets nestle safely in my pocket – the time approaches to take my family to the very heart and soul of the USA.

“Today,” I tell the Toddler importantly, drawing her grandly in to the conversation. “Is our big day. I hope you will remember this day for years to come. It is time to see the birthplace of a nation.”

We finish our breakfast and set off for Dollywood.